Damn Them All

Wow. Big step for me today. I decided not to do any open houses this weekend. Crazy. You would think the sky is ready to fall down or something. I'm very glad that it's that case. Today I will spend catching up on a gazillion things I should have done forever ago and tomorrow will be soley dedicated to the Broncos. If we can beat the Colts we have a fighting chance for the Super Bowl. Plummer needs to go. My overall theme for the weekend is not to feel guilty about taking the time off. It's all so relevant because I can't imagine the guilt I would feel leaving kids to go to work, etc. Another reason why I have a hard time with the thought of having children. MB, you really are doing great as I don't even have the courage to contemplate it.

Speaking of children. I think all of my friends having kids has definitely sparked a chord in me. Well, that and my neighbor telling me she and her childless friends, who were once so adamant about not having kids now regret it dearly when it's too late. I can absolutely understand her and I'm hopeful that I will have children one day. The allure of work is wearing off dramatically. If I can just work through the whole marriage, trust, love, commitment thing I should be okay. Maybe it's time to get a dog. Or a rabbit.

At other times I think it really is all so simple. Life is short. The universe will blow up in a billion years. Does it really matter one way or the other as long as you are happy? Why do we have to define ourselves by what is traditionally considered acceptable? Why do we look at our parents and think "I will do better than that" or "I will never do what they did" and all the while they are just doing what they know to be their best. Who's to decide what is best? and best for who? Because we have a standard of entitlement that they didn't meet doesn't mean they failed or that they were bad parents. Somehow we seem to think that they have and that's going to define us for the rest of our lives. Shit. Life is just too short. I was talking to a dear friend yesterday who saw what H was like in real time and she is just amazed that I can have the views that I do today. All I can think is that it's the best she could do at the time. Sure, she was @#$%@% up beyond belief and sure I'll probably never trust anyone again without years of therapy but I know now, today, that it's the best she could do so I can still love her today. Well, love and hate her. It's all relative.

I'm happy to say that I love my family, as messed up and crazy as they are. There is a genuine love there between us that's not traditional and not defined by the norms in our society but the good news is that today, now, I don't give a shit what those standards are. I feel secure in knowing that I can love someone, and more importantly forgive them, because we are human and our nature is to screw things up. It's up to me to be the a person and to acknowledge that. Either that or I can let it eat me up for the rest of my life. Like I said; life is too short.