Damn Them All

Wow. Big step for me today. I decided not to do any open houses this weekend. Crazy. You would think the sky is ready to fall down or something. I'm very glad that it's that case. Today I will spend catching up on a gazillion things I should have done forever ago and tomorrow will be soley dedicated to the Broncos. If we can beat the Colts we have a fighting chance for the Super Bowl. Plummer needs to go. My overall theme for the weekend is not to feel guilty about taking the time off. It's all so relevant because I can't imagine the guilt I would feel leaving kids to go to work, etc. Another reason why I have a hard time with the thought of having children. MB, you really are doing great as I don't even have the courage to contemplate it.

Speaking of children. I think all of my friends having kids has definitely sparked a chord in me. Well, that and my neighbor telling me she and her childless friends, who were once so adamant about not having kids now regret it dearly when it's too late. I can absolutely understand her and I'm hopeful that I will have children one day. The allure of work is wearing off dramatically. If I can just work through the whole marriage, trust, love, commitment thing I should be okay. Maybe it's time to get a dog. Or a rabbit.

At other times I think it really is all so simple. Life is short. The universe will blow up in a billion years. Does it really matter one way or the other as long as you are happy? Why do we have to define ourselves by what is traditionally considered acceptable? Why do we look at our parents and think "I will do better than that" or "I will never do what they did" and all the while they are just doing what they know to be their best. Who's to decide what is best? and best for who? Because we have a standard of entitlement that they didn't meet doesn't mean they failed or that they were bad parents. Somehow we seem to think that they have and that's going to define us for the rest of our lives. Shit. Life is just too short. I was talking to a dear friend yesterday who saw what H was like in real time and she is just amazed that I can have the views that I do today. All I can think is that it's the best she could do at the time. Sure, she was @#$%@% up beyond belief and sure I'll probably never trust anyone again without years of therapy but I know now, today, that it's the best she could do so I can still love her today. Well, love and hate her. It's all relative.

I'm happy to say that I love my family, as messed up and crazy as they are. There is a genuine love there between us that's not traditional and not defined by the norms in our society but the good news is that today, now, I don't give a shit what those standards are. I feel secure in knowing that I can love someone, and more importantly forgive them, because we are human and our nature is to screw things up. It's up to me to be the a person and to acknowledge that. Either that or I can let it eat me up for the rest of my life. Like I said; life is too short.

Go Broncies

Gotta love em. Excellent defense, slightly better offense. I'm still dubious if we can take it all the way. I got off work at 7PM and headed straight to Safeway to buy..potato chips. I have no resolve. As I'm standing in a very long line (damn the union for not wanting self checkout) the girl in front of me looks like my client..but I'm not sure as she is wearing a baseball cap. I put my detective skills to work and wait for her to sign the credit card screen and see from her hand movements that it is indeed she. Yeaah (lovely people). Turns out she and her hubby was filmed for Trading Spaces which will air the first week in January! How cool is that! I can't wait to see it. Apparently they redid the basement and it looks amazing. In other TV news another client called and asked if it would be okay with me if they went on this show about first time home buyers as they are interviewing for it. Hmm..let me see....yes! If they get on I'll wear a huge TShirt with my website on it. Ha, ha, ha.

After my Safeway downfall I went home to watch TiVo only to fall asleep during half time and to wake up at 5:00 AM on the couch. Lovely. I hate how contacts feel when you do that. Currently I am sitting in a mandatory yearly update class and I'm very glad that Delia and Noddy are here. I know there is a test after the class so I could be really screwed because I'll have to take it again if I don't pass but..whatever. I have a hard time focusing for more than 3 minutes.

Mikey is still not home yet..maybe tonight. I'm enjoying the absence now as the bed feels better and noone is there to make me go to bed when I fall asleep in front of the Telly. Got to love it.

Eating too Much

I'm eating up a storm and wish I would stop. I'm also not working out since Mike is gone. Dammit! I know I should be better but it's so hard to be good. Oh well. Yesterday I ate a whole tub of popcorn with probably a cup of butter on it as well as a pound of salt. Today I ate a bag of chocolate. AHHHAAHAHAHAHAH.

It's so freaking cold and there is noone coming to the Open House today which is surprising. Maybe someone has knocked my signs down. Whatever. Maybe I will just close up shop early. I can't wait to go home and watch football later. It's been a long day already and I have one more client this afternoon before I can wrap it up. GRRRR.

Who wouldn't want to watch a movie with Matt Damon and Leonardo Di Caprio (sp?) in it? Although I detest Leanardo's early work (Titanic..gross) he has done some really good movies! Gilbert Grape, R&J, Aviator, and now this! Who knew. Of course Damon could never go wrong. Unfortunately the flick was a bit on the violent side but other than that I thought it was very well acted. The plot left nothing to the imagination and there was very little to really contemplate but I thought the acting was great. The critics felt LD did not do a good job but I disagree. I even thought the token female actress was great.

Umm...what else is going on? NOTHING. ha, ha, ha. I'm wondering how much chocolate one person can consume in a day. It must be a ton! Hmmm..maybe a mega ton.

Blues

Blues, Blues, Blues. I'm not sure why I have the blues.
1) Mike just left to visit his folks for the weekend
2) Back from vacation - always tough
3) A year older and grumpier
4) End of year slowing in the market
5) Turning of the seasons
6) Back pain from terrible bed

General grumpiness is a terrible thing. I keep trying to think of all the positive things I have and to turn this frown upside down. It doesn't seem to be working. I'm in this pit of self pity and it's disgusting. I have so many things to be happy about. SNAP OUT OF IT.

I think one of the most frustrating things is that I don't know how I'm going to grow my business next year. I can't afford the space I think I need. I can't afford the assistant I think I need. What with Dot having left and the negative cash flow on the rental and other such things my monthly expenses have jumped higher than a fireworks display on GF day. I know I should stop whining. The thought of having another year next year like this year is getting me down. I either have to grow more or I have to slow down or I just need to get a new attitude. I think I'm really bummed about the space. Does anyone know any millionaires? Or people who want to work for free? Sometimes I feel like if I could squeeze in more time during the day and I would be okay and then other times I feel like I'm about to keel over and I want to run away and not come back. I feel alone. I feel that very few people understand this lifestyle; including Mike. He doesn't seem to understand my need to get out of the freaking house and get my own space after almost 3 years. I'm going nuts.

I seem to get antsy this time of year every year. Maybe it's the natural progression of the year. You get all bummed out and miffed just in time to get over it by January and hit the ground running. Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be? Although the market is slow I'm still swamped; but it's swamped with doing things like mailings, newsletters, print ads, etc. etc.etc. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I'm wasting my time on these things when I should be out there meeting new clients and prospecting to get more business. AHAHHAHAHAHHA. Okay, okay, shhhhh..relax....it will all be okay. Sigh. Work really is absolutely great and I've exceeded my goals so why all this grumpiness?

It finally happened. I was in Target shopping when someone yelled "Hi, V!". Of course I know I should know this person. I know I should know them well. But I can't place them. It was terrible. I was checking out their shopping cart with the hopes that somehow something they were buying would jog my memory. Of course I'm very awkward because I don't know how well, well I know them. Right after they walk away it hits me and I am just so mortified. Such is life.

UPDATE:
I just got the funniest birthday card and I feel a million times better! Who knew that there are card makers out there who truly understand the finer things in life and that more importantly we have friends to enjoy them with :-)

Surprise!

Ah, I have had such a hard time keeping Mike's surprise. Last week someone in our office was selling Broncos ticket for last night's game so I bought them (very pricey) and had to keep it a secret for 4 days! It was torture. I conjured up a dinner with people Mike is not crazy about at a terrible restaurant and told him that's what we were doing last night. My plan was foiled when I got to the restaurant (close to the stadium) only to realize the city had already closed down streets. AHAHAH. So I called Mike and told him my surprise but said that I had purchased a friend of our's tickets which are probably the worst tickets in the stadium and he knows which ones they are! So, it was still cool to be able to lead him to seats where we could practically, as the lady at work said, lip read what the Broncos were saying on the sidelines. Now, if only it hadn't been freaking freezing and wet! Oh well, you can't have it all. Here are some pics of us freezing and wet.

I've been thinking about buying a business space now for about a year. It is so tempting! I've found a great spot that I like for about $300K which is going to be really hard to swing with one mortgage and a rental that isn't cash flowing. I know that in a year that space will be even more expensive so I feel that if I don't do it now there may not be a good time to do it.

The reason for getting the space is 2 fold 1) investment 2) space to set up my assistant, etc. We have 1 office in our building that I could rent for about $500/mos but it would still be tight for the assistant and I and I would feel very cramped in the space. If I ever get a third person on the team, which I hope will happen, then I am back to square one. I don't like the thought of renting in any situation.


Getting the space means holding off on the assistant for another year or so. The space is about 1,500 sqft so my hope is to carve out about 4 offices and sub-let the space to offset the mortgage until I need more of it. It's just such a difficult decision right now. AHAHA. It's a great opportunity but I just wonder if it will sink the boat. Hard to say for sure. Next year could be a horrendous year. Oh well. It will increase my business expenses to about $4,500/mos which is fairly significant. Hmmm...How much faith do I have in myself. That's the tricky question. Nothing comes easily and nothing worth having doesn't require risk. Is this just nutty risk though? There are lots of different ways to put the deal together that might mitigate the risk. Lots of food for though.

This is the week that..

This is the week that....

1) I yukked it up at Comedy Works - Highly recommended
2) I re-realized that to get ahead you have to kiss butt and shmooze no matter what your profession. People always tell me it must be tough for me to deal with the public and always be at their mercy. True. Wednesday night showed me that if I had stayed in my job I'd have to kiss butt and shmooze with intolerable people for an intolerable amount of time whereas now I only have to deal with intolerable people for a tolerable amount of time. Hear hear, this is not a blanketed statement as in both cases you deal with fantastic people for tons of time.
3) I listened to our city councilman and realized that the only thing politicians are good for are self promotion and occasionally free food
4) I discovered that there is absolutely no way in hell I could be vegetarian unless I used plenty of spices
5) Clients believe that part of my services also incorporate errand boy
6) Left over Cheesecake Factory salad is not as good as what I remembered it to be
7) People do judge me by my car
8) When people are nervous and have nothing to say to you they tend to tell you things they shouldn't.
9) People don't come to Open Houses when the weather is 80
10) Abolishing the scale and diets can promote a healthy relationship with food - I didn't feel bad about eating at Wendys today and I've had one of the best workout weeks ever. I have no idea how I look. My waist is one half inch larger than what it was at its smallest in recent years (28"). The tape measure is my only benchmark.

Life without online Poker?

I think Mike's dream has come true as it seems Congress has decided that online poker is a not permissable in the States. Odd. I'm guessing if they could tax the winnings it would be okay. Just another instance of beaucratic BS. Oh well. I was just starting to enjoy it again. GRRRR.

Thanks

Thank you MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO for doing the things you DOOOOOOOOOOOOO :-)

Time is flying. It's amazing to me how quickly it seems to be going. I feel really beaten up lately from all sides. I know, I know: Snap out of it! I have just a minor request to friends in Denver. If you, your families, or your coworkers, work with another Realtor that's totally cool with me. The only thing I request is that you don't tell me about it. I'm just not that mature yet. Maybe in about another 2 years. There is nothing more heartbreaking than hearing that news. I think to myself I could offer you the best service and no one will work harder for you and go to bat for you more than I will so why, why, why? You are a mother hen and you have food to give to the baby chickens. But you don't have a lot of food, just a little bit for your favorite chickens. You turn around and there are 28,000 baby chicks staring with at you with their beaks open, hungry as can be, and trampling all over each other to get food. I'm one of those 28,000 chickens that has just been trampled over. I know that you have other people to work with, and that's cool, just please keep the info to yourself. Thanks. Much appreciated. It's just too much to take after you have been @$*@# over by about 3 people in the last 2 weeks.

So where was I? Oh yes, full of self pity and resentment. WHO SAID THAT. Okay, Okay, I'll try and snap out of it and think of happier things. Let's see. House is rented which is great and the tenants have moved in. I'm not missing the scale and it's been maybe 2 months since I stepped on it. Yeah. Mike and I have upped our running distance to a consistent 3 miles with no breaks (this is in preparation for the Race). I wish we would eat out less. We are still at about 6 times a week (lunch and dinner). The weekend TV diet is working great and I think we are getting lots of cool things done during the evenings. I'm so freaking psyched for out trip NEXT WEEK. Dad is coming here for Thanksgiving. I think maybe I will treat him and take him on a trip for Christmas.

Thanks for letting me vent, Mr. Blogger :-)